Why I Decided To Take My Life
I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not plotting on how to end my life. Nor am I ungrateful for the opportunity to even have life. However, I have finally decided that I'm taking it back. The question that remains now is, from where?
As a recent college grad, I found myself in a place I hadn't expected to be in at this point of my life. Like most people, I had my whole life planned out. I had all the who, what, when, where's and why's figured out, and I was excited for what was to come. Then, God started rearranging my "plans". Slowly but surely the things that I had already made up in my mind were going to happen started falling through. But God, I had everything all figured out, what happened? Confusion turned to doubt then doubt to frustration. All of these emotions encompassing the sole question of: why is my life not going the way that I planned?
Simply put, God had other plans. Greater plans; even though I may not see them yet. At this point in my life I share in Kanye West's sentiments -- I don't have all the answers. And truth be told, I never did.
"Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well."
Realizing this truth didn't zap my problems out the window. It did, however allow me to view my life from a different standpoint. Have you ever had a problem and decided to call on your closest friends, yet you found that in that very moment none of them seemed to be there? I believe that is simply God and His sense of humor. Maybe, just maybe, it's in those moments that He is trying to draw us back to Himself. Maybe He's saying "you're using all of creation as your first resort while I, the Creator, am being pushed to the back burner." Maybe He wants us to get on our knees and talk to Him just as quickly as we'd pick up our phone to post a status or send a text.
God longs to be our first responder, not our last resort.
I now see that this dry season of me almost losing hope is just God stripping me of everything so that I can truly view Him as my everything. In fact, because I'm His, I already have everything by faith. Maybe you too have given control of your life away -- to depression, drugs, sex, toxic relationships, discontentment, your job even. Whatever it is, the good news is as long as you have breath in your body it is not too late to take it back.
So, today I'm taking a stand against those long days and longer nights that once fought for control over my life. I'm taking a stand against those feelings of being inadequate or not successful enough. Cause honestly, I'm right where He wants me at this point in time. I'm taking back my life, and I'm placing it in the hands of the One who created it. I've tried and tried to figure it out, and I've failed miserably. It's only once we stop trying to be gods over our own lives that we give God a chance to do His job. Perhaps, a lot of stuff hasn't happened for us because we are in our own way.
Have you ever been in a crowded room with lots of people and tried to do anything that involved a lot of movement? It was most likely close to, if not completely impossible. Now imagine God trying to take care of us, yet we keep bumping into Him, picking up things He's already taken care of, etc. Sometimes we hinder ourselves more than we help ourselves. Thankfully, God still chooses to help us even in the midst of our foolishness.
My best friend once made this statement "I'm not where you thought I'd be in life. I'm nowhere near where I wanna be. I'm working to get where God wants me to be"; and it seems so evident and clear in my life right now. Yes, I may still have my moments. Yes, the struggle will forever be real. The only difference is now those moments won't have me. I'm taking my life, and I'm giving it totally and completely to the One who paid the price for me. His will > mine.